Will You Ever Be “Fixed?”

I recently had a conversation with a highly successful man who blew my mind.

We totally bonded over the fact that we are both happy users of the Heartmath technology, and as we talked he confessed something to me.

This tall, dark, and handsome retired NFL player and successful business owner with a beautiful wife and 5 children (living in the most expensive zip code in the country, had tears in his eyes when he showed me his Superbowl ring. He said it was the first time he had worn it in years because most of the time he doesn’t feel worthy enough.

What? This gorgeous hunk, who appears to have it all, has worthiness issues?

He had just completed some deep transformational work and was excited to be moving forward in his life now that he was finally dealing with his core wound issues.

And it was sad to learn how much he suffered internally with his fears and limiting beliefs about himself.

All of this got me thinking about so many of my “super successful friends” who still harbor deep feelings of doubt, insecurity, impostor syndrome and even self-loathing.

I have spent the majority of my life reading self-help books, attending personal growth workshops, been in therapy, tried all kinds of modalities and treatments and sometimes prescription drugs, all in the name of healing some part of my soul and psyche.

The good news is that a lot of this stuff worked.

I did find understanding, relief, transformation, healing and peace.

And the truth is, for me, that some of the things I most wanted to “completely heal” (hint: make them go away forever) are still there.

These “issues” are still lingering under the surface, only coming up once in awhile but still there.

I have finally come to understand that this is totally OK.

Normal even.

Through the years, I have developed my own personal spiritual/emotional toolkit (which includes heart lock-ins and feelingizations) that help me through the day (or the night or the week) and I am no longer crippled by the fear or pain or discomfort that once drove me crazy.

Plus, I have now declared myself “cooked.”

This is it.

This is as good as I’m going to get and it’s GOOD ENOUGH!

But, if you aren’t yet “cooked,” just remember that as you seek and find solutions to your issues, please do it with lots of self-care and compassion and remember to take baby steps and remember that you are already enough! (really, it’s true!)

I am sharing this with you today because if you are using your “issues” as a reason not to go for your dreams, stop it! These issues may always be there, but you only have so many breaths left to take on this planet, so I want to encourage you to go for it now.

Wishing you love, laughter, and magical kisses,

Arielle

Is Self Love A Prerequisite To Soulmate Love?

Self-love seems to be the hot topic in the personal growth movement these days and when it comes to finding soulmate love, there are a lot of myths that until you love yourself first, you won’t be able to get anyone else to love you.  Can this really be true?

My experience has been that most women (at least in the Northern hemisphere) live with a negative, critical voice in their heads that is often filled with ugly, shaming thoughts, self-doubt, and brings with it feelings of never being “good enough.”

And, I began to wonder, do you really have to eliminate that persistent voice in order to find true love?

Do we really need to be 100% in love with ourselves to experience Big Love?

I don’t think so.

What is required is to learn how to “talk back” to that voice and create strategies to love yourself more and better.  This includes a big dose of self-awareness so that when the “voice surfaces” you kick its butt!

For instance, you walk past a mirror and immediately react by thinking “God, you look like a total piece of $#it today.” Immediately stop. Walk back to the mirror, give yourself a big smile and blow yourself a kiss and say something warm and loving to your reflection.  This is called self-care and self-soothing.  Over time, you can change your habitual negative thinking by in-putting loving and uplifting thoughts and beliefs about yourself. And, please, never forget that just because you have a thought does not make it true!

Now, as for soulmate love, one of the greatest, most awesome things about living your life with your soulmate, is that you begin to heal each other in unimaginable ways. When you spend time with someone who loves all of you – the good, the bad and the ugly – you begin to love yourself even more.

So many women are “waiting“ to actively seek their soulmate because they feel stuck in how they feel about themselves.  This is a very selfish thing to do.

Why?  Because, just as you desire to spend your life with your soulmate, they are also seeking you.  And if you are holed up at home, on the couch, watching the Kardashians or the Property Brothers, they can’t find you!

Now, while learning to love yourself a little bit more and more, it’s also important to know that once you do manifest the love of your life, you teach them how to treat you by the way they witness how you treat yourself.  I learned this from my husband Brian. Once we got married and began living together, I noticed how he always prioritized his health and well-being.  At first, I made up stories about how selfish he was because he wasn’t always flexible about the time he took to meditate and exercise.  When I finally asked him about it his response floored me.  He explained that by sticking to his personal care schedule, he was able to fill himself up so that the rest of the day he had more love and more energy to give to me and the rest of the world.

Wow.  What an insight that was for me.  I soon began to follow in his footsteps.

Self-love is important and please know that if your soul is calling for a soulmate, the voice in your head shouldn’t be a barrier to love.

Wishing you love, laughter and magical kisses,

Arielle

You are bad, wrong, and broken

Yep.  That’s a message many of us are giving ourselves every day.

We have a negative voice in our head that is constantly judging, criticizing, shaming and blaming and “shoulding” on us.

I stopped fighting with this voice a long time ago.

Now when she speaks, I laugh at her and say: “Yes, you are right.  I am a total mess. A complete f$#k up. and you know, what? I love myself anyway.”

My friend, the late, great Wayne Dyer always said: “Don’t believe every thought that you have.”

He is 100% right.

Just because you have a thought, doesn’t make it so.

The negative voice(s) in your head will probably never totally disappear no matter how high you elevate your self-esteem, no matter how many personal growth workshops you take, or how much therapy you have – our core wounds never truly disappear 100%.

So, I suggest we just learn to have fun with this part of ourselves.

My sister, Debbie, would have told you to give this part of yourself a name – maybe call her “Nasty Nellie ” or “Critical Carl” or “Negative Nancy” and when they show up, laugh in their face, tell them they are wrong and then give yourself a big hug and find a mirror in which to blow yourself a kiss!

And, remember what Al Franken’s character, Stuart Smalley, always said on Saturday Night Live:  “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

Wishing you love, laughter and magical kisses,

Arielle

NOW is the Time to Live For Today

I recently came across this beautiful story that is a great reminder of how precious life is.  With the holidays coming up, I thought this was a good time to remember to make every moment a special occasion… for ourselves and our families.

A friend of mine opened his wife’s underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper-wrapped package:

‘This,’ he said, ‘isn’t any ordinary package.’

 He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

 ‘She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on… was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it.’

 He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothing he was taking to the funeral home, his wife had just died.

 He turned to me and said:

 celebrate‘Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion’.

 I still think those words changed my life.

 Now I read more and clean less.

 I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.

 I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

 I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived…

 I no longer keep anything.

 I use crystal glasses every day…

 I’ll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if I feel like it..

 I don’t save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want.

 The words ‘Someday….’ and ‘ One Day…’ are fading away from my vocabulary.

 If it’s worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see it, listen to it or do it now….

 I don’t know what my friend’s wife would have done if she had known she wouldn’t be there the next morning… this nobody can tell.

 I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

 She might have called old friends to make peace over past quarrels.

 I’d like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food.

 It’s these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come..

 Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

 Live for today…  tomorrow is promised to no-one….

I was grateful to learn this lesson many years ago from a friend who suggested that every time I sit down for a meal, even if I was home alone, that I use my best dishes, linen napkins, the good glasses and silverware.  To this day, I still do this, often putting it all together on a beautiful tray and sometimes I add a little vase with a flower!  It’s a way to make a snack or a meal special.

Remember to practice being a “pleasure pig” each and every day (I just got back from a 30-minute foot rub. Yum!). I would suggest that you look for ways to make every day a special occasion for yourself, your friends, and even strangers!

Wishing you a delicious and loving Thanksgiving,

Arielle

How To Love Yourself More

Learning to love myself was a painful and slow process.

I grew up awkward, introverted, and with a very loud, self-critical voice in my head.

More than 25 years ago I had the good fortune to be introduced to Louise Hay who took me through her life-changing “mirror work” process.

I remember sitting with her as she held a mirror in front of my face and told me to look into my own eyes and make a series of positive statements to myself, including “I love you.”  It was hard, because I really felt like I was lying to myself.  Somehow I got through the process and then, as a daily practice, I did mirror work on my own, and learned to understand that not only did I really love myself, but that I was also loveable!

All of your self-talk, the dialogue in your head, is a stream of affirmations. These affirmations are messages to your subconscious that are establishing habitual ways of thinking and behaving. Positive affirmations plant healing thoughts and ideas that support you in developing self-confidence and self-esteem, and creating peace of mind and inner joy.

If you want to change your life, then it’s necessary to retrain your thinking and speaking into positive patterns, and mirror work, with its positive affirmations, opens the door. In essence, you are saying to your subconscious mind, “I am taking responsibility. I am aware that there is something I can do to change.” When you pay attention to your thoughts, you can begin to eliminate the ones creating experiences you do not want in your life.

Twice a day, stand in front of a mirror, look into your eyes, and repeat positive affirmations ten times. For instance, for self love you might say: “I want to like you. I want to really learn to love you. Let’s go for it and really have some fun.”

Take another deep breath and say: “I’m learning to really like you. I’m learning to really love you.

If doubts or fears or negative thoughts come up, just recognize them for what they are – old limiting beliefs that want to stay around. Say to them gently: “Out, I no longer need you.” And then repeat your positive affirmations again.

That which we constantly affirm becomes true for us.

Wishing you love, laughter and magical kisses,

 Arielle

P.S. To learn how to do this from the master herself, LOUISE HAY, sign up for her Loving Yourself: 21 Days to Improved Self-Esteem Online Video Course to achieve the love, the prosperity, and the relationships you’ve been longing for.

Each day for 21 days, you’ll learn how to:

  • Recognize your heart’s desire
  • Gain confidence to listen to and follow your inner guidance
  • Cultivate your soul gifts – all of those talents you’ve come to share with the world
  • Realize that self-love makes it so much easier for others to love you
  • Have less drama and fewer conflicts
  • Heal your personal suffering and the suffering of others through self-love

Don’t miss this amazing opportunity to fall in love with yourself and your life!

MORE of You Are Enough, I Am Enough

Of all the newsletters I’ve ever written, the recent one about “being enough” has gotten the most response.  I was so surprised to learn that this is such a big issue for so many people (including me).

Did you know that this is an actual “phobia”?  It’s called Atelophobia – it’s the fear of imperfection and of not being good enough. There are now drugs to deal with the anxiety caused by this – oy vey!

This craving to be “enough” stems from the stories we make up about ourselves and the messages we get from society.  Early on we learn that if we act a particular way, get  good grades in school, win at sports, or give hugs to crazy Aunt Sophie, we receive praise from those around us.  We get “attention” and we begin to connect “love” with “actions.”

I Am Enough

Many of us have learned to believe that “I am enough when I do ___________.”

And, really, the truth is just our very beingness makes us more than enough.

Now, it’s up to us, as mature adults, to begin to make this a practice when the negative chatter in our head preaches that we need to do more, do better, etc. When I look at my cat, I never think, “If only Yoda would do ______ then I would love him more.” I love Yoda just because he is alive and with us (and it’s possible Yoda doesn’t share this point of view and he might love me more if I spoiled him as much as Brian does…ha ha!).

Writer/blogger Alexandra Hope Flood offers 11 steps to reminding us all that we are ENOUGH:

1. You are a miracle. Never forget this fact. Just the science alone is mind blowing.

2. You are unique. No one will ever be as good at being you as you are. Seriously.

3. You are enough. Always. Never doubt this. There is nothing to add, but feel free to expand.

4. There is always more to learn, but that is not failure, it is a gift. It can be fun too.

5. Every obstacle is an opportunity to fall further into the miracle that is you.

6. Commit to being the best version of you every day. Recalibrate the definition of “best” as needed.

7. Leave room for others when they fall off the wagon of their own miracle.

8. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive every which way. Forgive him. Forgive her. Forgive you.

9. Compassion is the key to forgiveness. Compassion means you feel the humanity in others.

10. The more you forgive, the more you’ll enjoy being you, because the lighter your load will be.

11. In the end, as in the beginning: You. Are. Amazing.

One of my favorite lines is from the classic film, The Help (starring Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer & Jessica Chastain).  Everyday, the maid tells the little girl in her care:

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

Remember this!

Wishing you love, laughter and magical kisses,

 Arielle

A Love Manifesto

More than 25 years ago, my therapist held a mirror in front of my face and asked me to look into my own eyes and say the words “I Love You.”

I was instantly engulfed in a wave of sadness and despair and whispered, “I can’t do that, it would be a lie.” He was kind and patient and urged me just to try it. Every time I tried to say it, I just cried harder. Eventually, I managed to mouth the words, but still it felt inauthentic….

imagesThat began a long, slow process of learning to love myself. The process of letting go of decades of self-loathing and self-doubt was hard. Painful, and yet totally worth it.

So often people ask me “Do I have to love myself in order to have soulmate love?” It’s a tricky question because nearly everyone I know (with or without a soulmate) has levels of self-doubt and insecurity about their worthiness to have love.

Here’s what I know to be absolutely true: 

We all have people that love us, we all have qualities that are very loveable. Even murderers and rapists have redeeming qualities, and yes, we are happy they are behind bars and no longer pose a threat to society.

Learning to love ourselves requires commitment.

A commitment to be an emotionally mature adult so that when we catch ourselves beating ourselves up, we stop, take notice, say “cancel-cancel” and replace those negative thoughts with a true, positive statement about ourselves.

Most of us are living under levels of stress and chaos that are often overwhelming because we allow ourselves to exist with out proper levels of self-care and self-love. I believe the first step to self-care is leaning how to “self-soothe.”

Another important piece of this is to finally stop “shoulding” on your self. You know what I mean, “I should do this and I should do that.” “Shoulding” on your self just creates more dread and stress on an already busy life.

One suggestion I have for you is this:

Create your own emotional tool kit of things you can do to regain your sanity when things go haywire. Figure out what are your best “time-outs” that will get you from crazy to neutral to happy again. My kit contains EFT Tapping, the Sedona Method, doing heart lock-in’s, long aromatherapy baths, walks in nature, and foot rubs. I do some or all of these things nearly every day.

Here’s what I know for sure: You are loved. You are loveable. You are deserving of Big Love, every day. And it all begins with you.

Wishing you love, laughter, and magical kisses,

Arielle

P.S.If you are a single, successful woman seeking a conscious man (or if you have friends that are), then I have a special Spring gift for you – my annual Art of Love Series is coming up. This free, online series is bringing together the world’s top love, dating & mating experts who share EVERYTHING about how and where to find all the great, conscious guys out there who are also looking for you! Sign up for free right now at THE ART OF LOVE!