I want a divorce.

I’ve been thinking about it for years.

Not from my amazing husband, whom I love and adore, but from the Self-Help, New Age, Law of Attraction world—where I have spent most of my adult life.

Yes, I have visualized, affirmed, journaled, chanted, saged, cleared, aligned, released, and once paid $500 to discover that my abundance block was apparently located somewhere near my left ovary.

For decades, I believed I could—and should—create my reality.

But if I’m honest, much of that desire came from ego, fear, and a deeply willful belief that if I could just get spiritually proficient enough, I might finally control what happened next.

Now, at the ripe old age of 73½, I’m more interested in receiving my destiny than conjuring up a five-star future with a glue stick, some affirmations, and a picture of Tuscany.

The basic Law of Attraction says your thoughts create your reality.

Which is wonderful news when your reality is going well.

You got the parking space!

You manifested it!

You found twenty dollars!

Abundance!

Your husband remembered your birthday!

You are a vibrational match for love!

But when something terrible happens, the Law of Attraction suddenly becomes a very aggressive customer-service representative.

“Have you considered that perhaps you attracted this?”

No, Sophia. I had not considered that I vibrationally ordered an emergency appendectomy.

And I would like to speak to the manager of the universe.

The formula is supposedly simple:

Think positive thoughts. Feel good. The universe will deliver.

Which makes the universe sound less like divine intelligence and more like DoorDash.

“I placed an order for financial freedom, radiant health, and an emotionally available man.”

“Your driver is approaching.”

No, he isn’t.

He’s circling the block with my soulmate and my tax refund.

We’re also told to act “as if” the thing has already happened.

Want to be wealthy? Feel wealthy now.

This is apparently why many spiritual teachers are carrying $38,000 in credit card debt while sitting in first class saying, “I’m embodying abundance.”

No, darling.

You are embodying 27.9 percent APR.

And then there are affirmations.

You stand in front of the mirror and declare:

“I am enough.”

“I am worthy.”

“Money flows to me easily.”

And the mirror says, “You have spinach in your teeth.”

Affirmations must always be in the present tense because the subconscious mind is apparently very literal.

You can’t say, “Someday I will be rich.”

You must say, “I am rich.”

Even while your banking app is sending you a notification that says, “We need to talk.”

Then there is vision boarding.

You cut out mansions, private jets, perfect bodies, tropical beaches, and smiling couples who have clearly never assembled IKEA furniture together.

Then you glue them onto a board so the universe knows what you want.

Because apparently the infinite intelligence that created billions of galaxies needs a collage.

“Ah! She wants Tuscany. I thought she wanted a timeshare in the Bahamas.”

And if your dream doesn’t come true, it is never because the system might be flawed.

It’s because you had resistance.

That is the genius of it.

If it works, the Law of Attraction is real.

If it doesn’t, you secretly blocked it.

It is the only philosophy where the warranty is voided by doubt.

You can’t even question it, because questioning lowers your vibration.

Which is extremely convenient.

That’s not spirituality.

That’s a multilevel marketing company with incense.

And don’t get me started on “everything happens for a reason.”

Sometimes the reason is that someone is an idiot.

Sometimes the reason is poor planning.

Sometimes the reason is gluten.

We do not have to turn every delayed flight into a sacred initiation.

Maybe Spirit is not redirecting you.

Maybe Southwest is understaffed.

We also love to say, “The universe has your back.”

And I believe that.

But sometimes I think the universe has my back the way a cat has my back.

Technically nearby.

Emotionally unavailable.

Possibly knocking something expensive off a shelf.

The most confusing part is that we are told to be incredibly specific about what we want—but completely unattached to whether we get it.

Ask clearly.

Believe completely.

Visualize vividly.

Feel it deeply.

And then don’t care if it happens.

That is not manifestation.

That is dating after sixty.

“I would love a handsome, emotionally mature, financially stable man who adores me.”

“But I’m completely unattached.”

Sure you are.

You made a vision board.

You froze his name in a bowl of water under the full moon.

You are attached.

And then there’s divine timing.

Divine timing is what we call it when nothing is happening.

“I know my book deal is coming in divine timing.”

It has been eleven years.

At this point, divine timing is using the Mayan calendar.

Now, I still believe thoughts matter.

I believe intention matters.

I believe gratitude changes us.

I believe miracles happen.

But I no longer believe the universe is a vending machine where you insert three affirmations and press B7 for a beachfront mansion.

Sometimes life is magical.

Sometimes life is random.

Sometimes you are in perfect alignment and still get spaghetti sauce on your white pants.

Maybe the real spiritual path isn’t learning how to control reality with our thoughts.

Maybe it is learning how to love reality when it refuses to follow our vision board.

So yes, I want a divorce.

From believing every disappointment means I failed to hold the frequency.

From turning every loss into a lesson before I’ve even had time to grieve it.

From treating surrender as one more sneaky technique for getting exactly what I want.

Shit happens.

Sometimes it comes with a silver lining.

Sometimes it comes with a lesson.

And sometimes it just comes with a cleaning bill.

Perhaps enlightenment is not finally mastering the universe.

Perhaps it is realizing the universe was never ours to manage.

I am officially retiring as CEO of Reality.

The universe may now proceed without my supervision.

Wishing you love and laughter,

Arielle