You are in for a treat today. My friend, Dr. Gary Sayler, has written a game-changing book, Safe To Love Again How to Release the Pain of Past Relationships and Create the Love You Deserve.
In this book he skillfully illuminates the origins of the blocks to love so many suffer with, whether its around finding love or keeping love. This magnificent work offers practical, healing solutions that will put you on the path to deep and lasting love. Today. Dr. Sayler has written a special blog for us that shares a big piece of his wisdom:
“If it’s not one stunt, it’s another!” Amy exclaimed in a defeated tone. “Every time I turn around, I’m being ghosted or stood up. What’s up with these guys? Why do I have to meet someone new every two weeks? Since when did two months become a long term relationship?” Then Amy voiced the real heartbreak beneath the tears—“Maybe it’s just better not looking for love . . .” With a heavy sigh, she continued, “I’m just going through the motions when it comes to finding my dream man. I feel empty—like I’ve lost all of my passion. Living for my kids seems to be my only option when it comes to feeling loved.” So how do we find love when hope is gone?
Over the years, I’ve learned that clients must dance with hope if they’re going to waltz love into their lives. Nothing is more debilitating than feeling like we’re never going to be loved. Our generation is filled with people who no longer believe they can find love. Many don’t feel like they deserve love anymore. If they hope at all, they’re resigned to finding someone who won’t give them the deep connection they deserve. What’s the answer to such hopelessness?
We can take a big clue from Attachment Theory—the science of how brains are wired to love and be loved. There are three styles in which people typically create relationships; secure, anxious, or avoidant. Those with a secure love style feel really safe in a relationship. The anxious, however, are constantly worried that love will go away. These types constantly ask, “Do you still love me?” And last, but not least, avoidant people run from intimate, close relationships. You will know them as Mr. or Ms. Unavailable.
Most love styles are created by the time we’re a year old. Something told us as babies whether we were loved or not. Whatever tells a baby’s brain that someone loves them surely can’t be as complex as dating site algorithms suggest. A secure brain uses four key feelings to know when it’s loved. Moreover, these feelings remain your brain’s GPS for love for life. If your brain is using other feelings like unworthy or un-cherished, you change them at some point. Love doesn’t have to be as complex as we imagine.
It’s only when we don’t use our brain’s natural GPS for love that things get hopeless. One client, Rachel, described it like this—“I think love is impossible for me to find because I misread the signs. It’s like I’m distracted from seeing love the way it is. I get flooded by feelings like excitement or passion. It’s as if true love gets hidden behind all of my emotional clutter.” When you are uncluttered, these feelings tell your brain when it’s loved: Welcomed with Joy, Worthy and Nourished, Cherished and Protected, and Empowered with Choice. These are your original love GPS!
Welcomed with Joy happens when someone lights up in your presence. Your partner wakes up in the morning saying, “Good morning, Gorgeous!” At night, they’ll notice your mood and offer to hold you in their arms—just because you’re home again. You’re invited to share your feelings and your thoughts. This makes your relationship a cozy oyster, and your beloved a warm, comfy sanctuary for life. Welcome creates regular rituals of connection, like the kiss goodbye and the passionate caress when you get home. When you feel welcomed, your relationship feels warm and inviting.
Worthy and Nourished means it’s okay to reach out with your needs and to have them bountifully met. When you’re loved, you feel esteemed and deserving by your partner. This empowers you to ask for your needs to be met. What’s more, your beloved will actively notice your needs and keep track of your requests. Lasting love knows your patterns, preferences, and dreams in depth. You will feel special, heard, and felt.
You feel Cherished and Protected when your partner wants to fully support you. You get to be your best me in a mutually supportive We. There’s a feeling of freedom without any sense that you must go it alone. You’re emboldened to explore the outermost edges of who you were meant to be. Independence is not an end unto itself. There’s no thought that you must sacrifice your me to be a We. You feel celebrated, honored, valued, and sheltered by your partner. There’s a home port in your beloved’s heart for you. Notice, too, that there must be a We for couples to feel truly loved. Noticing if someone is capable of creating a deep partnership will make you feel wiser and safer.
Empowered with Choice is the fourth signpost. It’s okay to speak up and express your full self when you’re loved. There’s a sense of confidence that you can craft what you most want. You’re able to explore the possibilities of life and co-create an inner reality together. You get a say in things. You can be decisive because they share influence with you. Both partners get to have their wins in the relationship.
Imagine going into a date using these secure feelings as your new compass for love, rather than the list. Just because a date is a certain height or has a good career doesn’t mean you hit the jackpot. The lottery of love is always these four wonderful feelings that create real, lasting love. Once you become the master of noticing and creating the feelings of secure love, you’ll naturally pick better dates, get out of bad relationships sooner, and know the secret for keeping love strong. That’s the day hope becomes authentic and empowering.
This new way of attracting and keeping love—and actually creating real hope—I call Safe to Love Again. You can know deep in your heart that you’re both worthy and able to find the love you want—and keep it! When you experience that, you know there’s HOPE! Best of all, lasting love can waltz its way into your life sooner rather than never.
Anyone ready to dance with hope and find real love?
If you have trouble finding love or keeping love, this book, Safe to Love Again: How to Release the Pain of Past Relationships and Create the Love You Deserve, by Dr. Gary Sayler, is worth reading: BUY IT HERE!