My friend Steve Dworman, a thoughtful single dad in L.A. who is genuinely seeking a long-term partner, recently wrote a terrific Substack unpacking why dating shows like The Bachelor and Love Is Blind almost never produce lasting love.

And he didn’t just rant.
He brought research.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: those shows are engineered for intensity, not attachment.

Psychologists studying attachment theory have found that long-term love forms through consistency, safety, and gradual emotional attunement — not adrenaline spikes. The Bachelor model compresses courtship into a pressure cooker of competition, sleep deprivation, exotic travel, alcohol, and public evaluation.

Translation? Dopamine fireworks. Not secure bonding.

Research on relationship formation shows that stable couples tend to build intimacy slowly through repeated, low-stakes interactions — ordinary conversations, shared routines, seeing each other in real life. In other words: Costco, not helicopters.

There’s also the well-documented “misattribution of arousal” effect — where people mistake heightened physiological excitement (stress, novelty, competition) for romantic compatibility. When the cameras stop and real life begins, that biochemical cocktail fades — and so often does the “love.”

Even Love Is Blind, which attempts to remove superficial attraction, still accelerates commitment under artificial conditions. Participants make lifelong decisions before navigating conflict styles, financial values, family dynamics, or how someone behaves when tired, stressed, or mildly annoyed.

Real love doesn’t need a finale episode.

The takeaway?

Lasting partnership is built in the ordinary.
In pacing.

In emotional regulation.
In watching how someone shows up over time.

Steve’s larger point — and I agree — is that modern dating culture has absorbed the entertainment model. We chase spark over stability. Chemistry over character. Intensity over integration.

But the research is clear: the couples who last aren’t the ones who felt the most fireworks on Day 10. They’re the ones who built trust on Day 100.

So, if your love life doesn’t feel like a reality show? Good. It might be real.

And one more thing:

Stop auditioning for chemistry. Butterflies are fun — but they’re not evidence of compatibility. The one who brings you peace? That’s the one who stays after the credits roll.

Steve’s full piece goes deeper into the psychology behind why entertainment models distort our expectations of love. If you value grounded insight over adrenaline, his weekly essays are worth your time.

You can subscribe to his Substack here.

Wishing you REAL love,

Arielle