If you are single and dating online, How Not To Die Alone by Logan Ury is a MUST READ. (She is the Director of Relationship Science for Hinge.)
I consumed most of it in one sitting, riveted by all the research and science she included that explains why online dating can be a struggle because it offers “too many” choices.
And, if you understand this, how you can overcome it.
Hint: Most people do best when they have six or less options to choose from!
Drawing from years of research, author/behavioral scientist turned dating coach Ury reveals in her book:
- What’s holding you back in dating (and how to break the pattern)
- What really matters in a long-term partner (and what really doesn’t)
- How to overcome the perils of online dating (and make the apps work for you)
- How to meet more people in real life (while doing activities you love)
- How to make dates fun again (so they stop feeling like job interviews)
- Why “the spark” is a myth (but you’ll find love anyway)
Many people suffer from patterns of behavior that hold them back from finding love.
In the book Ury has categorized the most common blind spots, unrealistic expectations, and provides a quiz to discover which of the “Three Dating Tendencies” you fall into.
- The Romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships. They want the soul mate, the happily ever after—the whole fairy tale.
- The Maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. They love to explore their options and want to feel absolutely confident they’re making the right decision.
- The Hesitater has unrealistic expectations of themselves. They feel like they’re not ready to date.
She does a great job of outlining how so many of us think we know what we want when it comes to a partner, but our intuition about what will lead to long-term happiness is often wrong. And she shares how to turn this tendency round.
I love that there is a chapter called F**k the spark! I’m also teaching instant butterflies in your stomach is a red flag. Chemistry can build over time and if you get a big hit and feel “love at first sight,” that is no promise that this person has the capacity to be a good life partner.
Ditch the spark and go after the slow burn—someone who may not be particularly, immediately, charming but would make a great long-term partner. As my friend Carol Allen teaches, “if they didn’t totally gross you out on the first date, give them a second chance.”
While written for millennials, this book has so much good info that I recommend it for all ages. And, read it with your rose-colored glasses on looking for the good you can take from it rather than using it as an excuse to throw up your hands and give up.
You only need ONE soulmate/life-partner and the more you understand your own patterns and biases, the faster you can become visible to them online.
Nearly 40% of marriages are now starting online and even though 90% of the people you connect with won’t even be close to the ONE, you can find the ONE if you are open minded, and ready to participate with an open mind and an open heart.
Wishing you love, laughter, and magical kisses,